A sampling of Roe Report jokes:

In a cost-cutting measure, the city of Chicago is giving most city employees an unpaid day off today. Emergency services will remain at full strength, but scheduled Monday garbage pickups will be made on Tuesday, city offices will be closed, and bribes must be slipped into the Bribe Deposit Slot at City Hall.

****

A new study says that aspirin can not only help prevent colorectal cancers, but also can improve colorectal cancer survival rates by as much as fifty percent. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to start using preventative aspirin immediately. At least they’re small. Thank GOD the study didn’t recommend an apple a day.

****

Germany has revealed an ambitious new plan to showcase the country’s technological and scientific skills.  No, no, this time they’re just sending robots to the moon.  Breathe easy, Poland.

****

Taliban chief Baitullah Mehsud was reportedly killed last week while getting a rubdown. No word on who provided the massage, but a CIA drone provided the happy ending.

****

Sarah Palin called Obama’s health care plan “downright evil” on Facebook, accusing him of creating a “death panel” to deny care. Sarah’s adept use of Facebook and Twitter is considered a strong indication that, come 2012, she will run for Senior Class President.

****

A new report finds that twenty-seven million Americans are on anti-depressants, and, as someone who follows world events closely on a daily basis, I think I speak for all of us when I say “That’s it?”

****

Former President Bill Clinton negotiated the release of two jailed female journalists from North Korea. He made his wife look silly and ineffectual, made himself look good, and scored two babes. Big guy’s still got it!

****

Democrats have warned Barack Obama that, in declaring he could ignore legislation he believed to be unconstitutional, he sounds quote “too much” like George W. Bush. The President called that comparison quote “an unfairish ridiculation” and “an outragery.”

****

Coming soon to a symphony near you “Star Wars: In Concert”. The show features film clips from the movie franchise accompanied by John Williams’ Oscar-winning scores, which will be performed live by a full dorkestra.

****

A Southwest flight made an emergency landing after damage to the fuselage created a hole through which you could see the sky in the plane’s ceiling. The aircraft has been grounded pending an investigation and a  thorough cleaning of the seat cushions.

****

And finally, a monkey fitted with a brain implant has learned to manipulate a robotic arm complete with elbow, wrist and hand using only its thoughts. Scientists declined to comment on what the monkey uses the arm for, but I think we’ve all been to the zoo enough to guess.

****

Pope Benedict told bishops that the Catholic church has to learn to use the Internet properly. This came after the Pontiff inadvertently brought a plague of spyware upon the Vatican when he opened an attachment sent unto him by someone he didn’t know.

****

More than thirty million people tuned in to coverage of Michael Jackson’s memorial service, making it the second most-watched funeral ever, behind only Princess Diana’s. And I for one am OUTRAGED that their princess beat our princess.

 

(© Skywave Entertainment, 2009-2010.  Used with permission.)