ONN Story Pitches

Story ideas that were part of a solicited pitch to the Onion News Network as part of the tryout process.


1) DEVELOPING: God Unleashes Plague Of Spyware

Computer networks around the world are crashing after God opened an attachment sent unto Him by someone He did not know.  Computer technicians shown painting hard drives with lamb’s blood and placing PCs inside pentagrams.  Vatican denies it was a porn site.  ‘Jobsraelites’ spared, and being total smug dicks about it.  (Computer problems should be conspicuous here — bad graphics, teleprompter failures, etc.)


2) Upcoming “Wii Fuck” Expected To Shatter All Video Game Sales Records

Nintendo releasing follow-up to Wii Fit, which will build and expand on the Wii Balance Board, but include many more unique peripherals.  Activities fit into one of four categories: Pitching, Catching, Kinky, and Multiplayer.  Footage of development includes motion-capture suit technology and beta-testers playing the game.  EXCLUSIVE: ONN debuts Wii Fuck trailer.


3) Gay Men Now Only Men In Favor Of Marriage

While gay men fight for the right to get married, incredulous straight men fight for liberation. We report live from demonstrations, and show footage of activist testimony before Congress. Straight men compare their situation to the pre-Civil Rights era, and pine for the free sexuality and childless irresponsibility of homosexuality. There’s a spirited exchange between a pro-marriage man and a pro-liberation man. First look at new “Someday We’ll All Be Free” Anti-Straight-Marriage PSA.


4) Growing Acceptance Of Elder Abuse As Lifespans, Complaining Increase

As people live longer and bitch more, it’s more acceptable to hit them.  Results of new poll unveiled.  Impact of cable news, US declines in manufacturing, and  kids today assessed as contributing factors.  Increasingly tedious old people offer comment until reporter belts one.  Younger people comment on how life slowly reached a point where letting Nana have it or locking Poppy in the basement were really the only viable nonlethal options.


5) Dog Track Closing, Seeks Adoptive Homes For Abandoned Patrons

When dog tracks close, good-hearted people rush to adopt retired greyhounds.  But what about the fat, cigar-smoking patrons in porkpie hats?  Meet the people who strive to place them in new homes.  See families romping happily with new “Uncle Paulie”.  Testimonials about ease of care — they don’t smell nearly as bad as you’d think, they just need a betting window and a paper cup of cheap beer — and a somber note about euthanizing.


6) Douchebags Celebrate “Douchebag Pride Week”

Break out your trilby hats and Axe Body Spray: It’s Douchebag Pride Week.  We examine the history of the movement, including an interview with the Ed Hardy t-shirt designer.  Footage of Las Vegas’ Douchebag Pride Parade, the nation’s oldest and largest.  Live interview with obnoxious President of American Douchebag Association about plans for a Douchebag Hall Of Fame.


7) BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer Dead Of Exposure In Australian Outback

Details are still sketchy but the death was just confirmed by a devastated Diego.  Speculation begins: Where was Map?   What happened to Backpack?   SpongeBob Squarepants and Elmo issue statements of grief and condolence.   TMZ reports more to the story than sun and dehydration, implies love triangle with Boots and Isa.  Abuela unloads tirade of rage and grief (in Spanish) at media and Australian government.


8) Opportunity To Someday Be President “Last Straw” For Many Black Schoolchildren

Inner-city schoolchildren already had enough problems without the crushing pressure of possibly being President.  Former honor students gathered around flaming garbage can with malt liquor talk about burnout.  Bitter, miserable teachers get defensive about ‘encouragement’.  Child psychologists argue about whether or not setting realistic expectations is sensible or unkind.  A lesser Kennedy cousin refers to this as “equality”.


9) Scientists Unveil Grand Unifying Theory Of “Unintelligent Design”

New and completely inarguable breakthrough scientific theory proposes that God created the universe, and all inconsistencies and evidence employed to contest theory are consistent with the central idea that God is not terribly bright. Theory is explained in layman’s terms.  Creationists and scientists equally flummoxed and angered by inability to question theory. Anchor notes God’s failure to comment, which is cited as support for new theory.


10) Sequel To “The Beatles: Rock Band” Predictably Disappointing

Details released on follow-up to popular title.  Can choose one of four tedious, embarrassing solo adventures.  Footage of testers halfheartedly playing “Maybe I’m Amazed”.  Exclusive game footage of Lennon Mode, a first-person shooter involving hours of loitering outside the Dakota.  Gamers assess impact of crappy sequels on legacy of first game.


11) Green Lantern Signs $100 Million Free Agent Contract With Legion Of Doom

Green Lantern is jumping to Justice League’s chief rival via free agency.  We assess impact on crime-fighting and power balance, including comment from old and new teammates; analysts lament the Legion’s unfair advantage in ignoring salary cap.


12) Scientific Patented Wealth-Building System Unlike Other Get Rich Quick Schemes

Heavily hyped breakthrough now allows you to make big money fast while working from home with no effort.  No sales or MLM or pyramid schemes!  Piece is stuffed full of scam clichés and wondrous promises without ever actually specifying what the system is.  Audience should be left wondering if anchors, analysts, and men-on-the-street  are in on scam or not.


13) Election Shifts Iran From Islamic To Country

Iranian citizens woke up this morning to find that their country had flipped formats overnight, from a religious dictatorship to a country-western state.  New Sheriff-For-Life Mahmoud Ahmadinejad appears on television in big hat and lawman’s star, explaining new programming to formerly Islamic state.


14) Pornstar Refuses Best Actress Award To Protest Treatment Of Anus

Outraged over the industry’s mistreatment of her anus, 2010 Best Actress winner Scarlett Lehter sends representative to AVN awards to refuse her Woody.  Footage shown of speech; stunned audience reacts.  Analysis: Will this make a difference, or is she just showboating?


15) Pope Leaving Church To Pursue Solo Career

The Pope announces that he and the Catholic Church have accomplished everything they will be able to together, and he is moving on.  Possible solo projects discussed, including founding a new religion, launching a web-based business, or embarking on a film career.  Fans crushed at breakup.  Hard feelings implied among College of Cardinals.  Post-Pontiff career success assessed.


16) Internet Surpasses Traditional Media As Source Of Coded Messages To Schizophrenics

For the first time, more than 50% of schizophrenics are receiving coded messages via YouTube, Wikipedia, blogs, etc, than via television/radio/newspapers.  Older schizophrenics lament the days of experiencing Tom Brokaw telling them to shoot their dogs as “one human event”.   Concern is expressed over reliability of alien signals when retransmitted via blog.


17) ONN-FNC Joint Alert:  There Has Been No Coup.

ONN, with hastily added Fox News graphics, breaks into programming to announce that all is well, and no coup has taken place.   Obvious off camera threat.  Second anchor has been beaten, but assures America that all is well.  Tearful field reporter in DC reads statement, possibly at gunpoint.   Brief footage of chaos before happy “FNC Technical Difficulties” screen.  (Implied: FNC is mouthpiece for new government.)


18) CDC Confirms Outbreak Of Spring Break Fever Among Florida Seniors

The CDC is working to contain an outbreak of Spring Break Fever in Boca Raton.  Seniors are shown behaving like douchebags; bicep tattoos, “BITCH ON THE BEACH” shirts, flashing, drinking, screaming at the camera while holding yards of margarita, vomiting in the street, etc.


19) Goddamn Jets Can’t Cover A Fucking Spread To Save Their Fucking Lives

OSN recaps the Jets’ failure to cover a fucking spread.   The fucking quarterback threw a goddamn pick and the bullshit D allowed a garbage touchdown and BOOM, somebody’s out $500.  Players interviewed as to what the fuck is wrong with them.  Steam Room: Can ANYBODY explain what’s with these guys?  (Obviously, analyst has just lost money on game.)


20) Healthwatch: New Study Confirms American Women Gonna Mess Your Mind

The American Journal of Psychiatry has published research confirming that American women really are gonna mess your mind.  Men confirm, women deny, some with outrage.  Medical recommendation is to not let her come hangin’ around your door, or even to see her face no more.  Medical correspondent evaluates.  Important: No overt acknowledgement of song.


21) Married Gay Couples Sue Church, State For Making Marriage Seem Desirable

Couples married prior to outlawing of gay marriage say that those who blocked marriage also knowingly and falsely made marriage seem awesome.  Now that it has turned out to be mostly fighting, recrimination, and therapy, married same-sex couples are suing for false advertising.


22) Breaking: We Have Three Minutes To Live

Anchor breaks into current story, awkwardly and in disbelief, with news of asteroid impact in three minutes.  All hell breaks loose.   Smoking, drinking, sex, screaming, fleeing, swearing.   Field correspondents praying, crying, unhinged.  Should be timed to show’s (abrupt) end for maximum effect.


23) God Revises Estate Plan Following Marriage To Showgirl

God has revised his two-thousand-year-old estate plans after impulse wedding in Vegas. The Beatitudes are updated — i.e. “The meek shall inherit His flatscreen and $25,000.”   Legal ramifications discussed; Do Heaven and Earth have transferable rights of ownership?  Can she choose new Chosen People?  Panelist struck down for implying God is not in His right mind.


24) Detroit Reveals Plans To Reopen As “That 70’s City”

In an effort to reverse decades of decline, Detroit is taking the radical step of rolling the clock back thirty-five years. Mayor makes announcement in leisure suit, surrounded by hippies, Black Panthers, union thugs, etc.  Compliance requirements outlined.


25) Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game In New York Raided By G-Men

Guys & Dolls-era gambling bust, with period outfits and language, but current data-overload news style.  Filmed in black & white, with anchors smoking and talking about the Men of Hoover triumphing over Eye-talian hoods and organized crime.


26) TMZ: Elmo “Person of Interest” In Vegas Nightclub Shooting

The LVPD has officially identified Muppet superstar Elmo as part of an investigation into a murder outside a notorious Vegas topless club.  Potential impact of arrest and conviction on Elmo’s career is assessed, as is the damage already done to his reputation.  Great visuals, i.e. grainy footage of Elmo getting a lapdance, or being hustled into a limo by his posse.


27)  Tearful America Reluctantly Concludes It Is Time To Have ‘The Simpsons’ Put Down

At a melancholy family meeting, America comes to the sad conclusion that ‘The Simpsons’, a beloved cultural touchstone for twenty years, is suffering, and the lovable old franchise needs to be put to sleep.  Weeping family members remember fond moments, and conclude that it really is the kindest thing to do.  The show is buried under a tree in a sunny park.


28) NBA Star Leaving Team Early To Enter Graduate School

OSN: All-Star LaJason Hendrick is jumping directly from the Lakers to the London School of Economics.  Laker and LSE fans react. Steam Room considers his chances of success as an economist.


29)  Flagging Traditional Powerhouse England Fires Queen

In an attempt to “shake things up” and “provide a spark” after a prolonged decline following 300 years of dominance, England has fired the Royal Family.  Face-painted fans chanting “Bring Back The Jack!” celebrate Queen’s dismissal. Analysts summarize her tenure, and identify possible replacements.