ONN: Mistresses Suffer In Market Downturn

This was a solicited audition script for the “Onion News Network,” who provided the basic premise.




ANCHOR: Moving now to economic news, the Bureau of Labor Statistics has released revised third quarter numbers, and the bad news continues for the homewrecking sector.   Rich businessmen are laying off their mistresses at the highest rate since 1987.



TOM: You know, I hated to do it, but in these harsh economic times, I had to let someone go, and Lisa’s severance package isn’t comparable to what Evelyn could get in divorce court.  They’ve both been with me for years, and I really hope that Lisa can rejoin the team when things at the firm turn around.  I miss the business trips and client emergencies.   (audible air quotes around those)



ANCHOR: (V/O) But the hardship is a two-way street.   We caught up with Lisa at her new old job.



LISA: Well, I’m obviously disappointed, but  if Tom can’t afford to keep me on the side in the fashion I’ve earned, I’d rather be furloughed to look for freelance work or a new position, rather than take a huge cut just so I can keep blowing the same old accountant on his lunch hour.  If his business is down so far that he can’t afford a decent apartment, first-class travel, and regular gifts…look, I’m an adult.   I’m not a bunny-boiler.  The price of a piece of this (indicates self) is steep.  I can just go back to teaching yoga until the economy improves.   (shrug)  What’re you gonna do?  People are hurting.



ANCHOR: The effect isn’t limited to the sluts and homewreckers themselves.   The Onion News Network talked with some of the businesses who derive significant revenue from  cheating scumbags:



OWNER: Oh, definitely, we’ve seen a dropoff in business since the layoffs started.  Weeknight business is off more than 40%.  (V/O FOOTAGE OF HAPPIER TIMES, THEN OF DRUNKS IN SUITS) We’re still pretty full, but our expense account regulars, instead of coming in with (air quotes) clients and ordering Cristal and caviar, are coming in together in groups of three of four, drinking Scotch, and crying.



CLERK: Let me give you a shocking statistic: Between 2003 and 2008, 80% of our room service orders were for Champagne and strawberries.  Now we use the strawberries for fruit salad, and when somebody orders up a bottle of Champagne, the staff bets on when and how that person will commit suicide.  The only real bright spot is that pay per view porn viewership is up maybe two thousand percent over last year.



DOCTOR: I’ve been doing discreet abortions and billing them as “business gifts” for twenty years.   I knew I would take a hit when the market tanked, but this is worse than I ever could have imagined.  People used to rely on me to quietly keep their girlfriends from having unwanted children.  Now they’ve just stopped fucking them entirely.   We’re…we’re really hurting here.



ANCHOR: The slashing of side sluts has been so dramatic, it’s even received sympathy from an unexpected quarter:



EVELYN: I always thought Tom’s cheating upset me.  But now that he’s cut back, I realize how much it improved my life.  Now he’s home every night, drinking too much and screaming back at Jim Cramer.    It’s been months since I got a piece of apology jewelry, or enough free time to have a housecall from my personal trainer.   (Should leave no doubt what that means) AND that old slug expects ME to fuck him.  Please.   I mean, nobody knows better than me how much less money we have this year.  Don’t rub it in by asking me for a blowjob.  If he wanted good sex, he should have cut one of the junior partners, and kept that little blond thing on the payroll.  Don’t expect me to pick up her slack.



ANCHOR: For a look at what we can expect going forward, we turn to Professor Lawrence Ellman from  the London School of Economics, author of “The Free Market’s Invisible Handjob”.  Thank you for joining us, Professor.

PROFESSOR: (classic rumpled academic) It’s my pleasure.

ANCHOR: Tell us, what do the underlying numbers tell you about the future of fucking around?

PROFESSOR: Well, I’m glad to say the forecasts are generally good.   First of all, mistress cuts are a lagging indicator of the economy as a whole.  As highly valued and skilled employees, cocksuckers – as they are known to economists – are among the last spending cuts made in times of recession.   Which just makes sense, as the men who make the decisions about what services to cut are often the ones who personally employ the cocksuckers in the first place.  So naturally, the assistants and subordinates providing less valued services will go off the payroll first.  That means that the times of highest girlfriend-furlough invariably presage a turnaround in the overall economy.

Second, we are seeing some green shoots even now, and those of us who specialize in the economics of fucking are very confident that we have hit the bottom. (GRAPH TIME) The microeconomics of secret poon have proven reliable before.  Here you see that spending on abortions and apology diamonds dropped off some time ago, purchases of Jergens and pornography has clearly plateaued, and most encouragingly, we’ve seen upticks in new toupee orders and spending in Exotic Asian massage parlors.  And – and remember this was the discovery that won John Kenneth Galbraith and Mei Suki Ling a joint Nobel in economics – the American Affair Average inevitably follows the Asian Full-Release Index by about six months.  Asia just seems to get out ahead of these trends a little faster.

ANCHOR: So you predict a full return of US business to strange ass by…?

PROFESSOR: I expect the sector’s first growth in the next quarter,  and then a steady return to full cocksucking capacity within a couple of years.   Certainly by the summer of 2012.

ANCHOR: Thank you, Professor. And finally we turn to the bitches themselves.   Melinda Barton is the president of NASS-T, the National Association for the Acceptance Of Side Tail, and we welcome her to the ONN.



MELINDA: Thank you for having me.

ANCHOR: You represent over twenty million mistresses, whores, homewreckers, and, as the professor pointed out, cocksuckers.

MELINDA: Along with a growing number of shemales and twinks, yes.

ANCHOR: We’re reporting that this is the worst year for executive quiff since the1987-88 cycle.   Are circumstances different now?

MELINDA: Oh, absolutely.  This recession is purely financial.  In the Gash Crunch of ’87, remember, we were dealing not only with a market crash, but with AIDS panic and the release of “Fatal Attraction”.  A forty-percent drop in the market is NOTHING compared to “Fatal Attraction”.

ANCHOR: How have your members handled the economic turmoil and cutbacks of the past year?

MELINDA: We’ve come through a very hard time beautifully.  I’m really proud of our organization.   A lot of the membership took time to step back and retool, (V/O APPROPRIATE FOOTAGE OR STILLS) learning some new skills, or investing in some cosmetic improvements.  Others stepped their game up to keep their positions, offering dominance services, or group scenes.   There’s been a lot of mutual support among our cocksuckers, and I think, between the new skills and the time off to really look at core services, we’re extremely well-positioned for the recovery.

ANCHOR: (cheerily) I bet you are.   Thanks for joining us.  So if there’s someone you need to talk to about the acceptable ‘new normal’ when it comes to having a little something something on the side, looks like it’s time to have that conversation.